Indigestion of the Soul

I has it.

~Dorkopotamus (aka Katy)

Jack Handey Would Be Proud

I think I'm having an existential crisis.  Interesting.

~Dorkopotamus (aka Katy)

Ch-ch-ch-changes

So it seems I spoke too soon - not quite out of the woods of depression yet.  But I'm working on it.

In somewhat related news, the depression, combined with some good talks with friends, has sparked a contemplative fire within me.  I can't stop thinking about Big Things and the Big Picture.  There are changes I'd like to make, but changes are scary and require effort and work to affect.  I'm not always so great at getting over my anxiety and lack of motivation to cause said changes, but I feel like it's time once again to move forward.  I know I'm being vague, but I'm not quite ready to commit to these changes, or admit to them for that matter.  Some of them are deeply personal.  While others, like reboarding the diet and exercise wagon, are more surface matter.

Last year was all about accepting who I am, this is the year that's supposed to be about moving forward.  It's already May and I feel like I've let myself down a bit.  But the year isn't over yet.  I don't want to put too much pressure on myself, but I'm tired of saying "I wish I was more this" and/or "I want to be more like that."  I can't change everything in my life, but there are certain things I definitely can if only I can stretch my boundaries just a little bit more.  One of my best friends told me how much better I am now as opposed to this time last year - I want him to be able to say the same thing about me next year.  Even better, I'd like him to be able to say it about me next week.

I want to be the person I want to become.

~Dorkopotamus (aka Katy)

Oh...um...hi!

Yeah so it's been forever since I posted.  That's what happens when you get depressed for a month or so and are all hanging out in a pit of despair and wallowing in your issues and refusing to come out and say hello because dammit you're comfortable in your sad little pit.

That being said, in an effort to start writing again now that I've emerged triumphant from this latest bout of "woe is me," I am reintroducing myself to the blog.

Hello blog, I'm Katy.  Nice to meetcha.  Well, re-meetcha.  Long time no see.

~Dorkopotamus (aka Katy)

Reunited and it feels so Good

How much have i missed writing? Like, SO MUCH.  I am so thrilled to be back (for God knows how long, but still..)and writing! And write i shall, however mundane my life may seem, i shall fill the Internet with minutiae and i will feel glorious.  So, welcome me back ladies and gentlemen, bringing you the small and insignificant but utterly intimate and foremost aspects of my life. 

Tortoise Shell

So im looking for modern tortoise shell eyeglass frames....round, cats eyes, even horn rim - i've always wanted to splurge on a pair, and while i dont have an actual dime to splurge with...and though my children have broken EVERY pair of glasses ive owned for the last five years (true story) i really want to just say F-it.  I mean, after all, how often do i spend $ on myself?  Next to never (maybe because i dont have any $ to spend in general)!  Ok, i know, its probably an irresponsible purchase, but i figure (as my hubby would say) "its an investment."  In what you ask?  Well how about my self esteem, which is dangerously low these days.  Im tired of being fat (yet i never work out; when i do have time, im so tired id rather sit and eat. LOL).  Im tired of my pony tail!  Im tired of my wardrobe from 5 years ago (although they have really hung in there.  Gap jeans are indestructible, right?)  And while most days i figure, as a stay at home mom, why do i need anything other than my boot cuts, a ratty t-shirt for little sticky fingers covered in maple syrup and paint, and my hair pulled back out of my eyes alla pony tail - there are days now and again, especially when said jeans are getting a bit tight (yikes) when i catch my reflection in the mirror and i cringe, or cry, or just shriek. 
To sum up, though my car may need tires, my chimney sweeping, a BBQ would be nice and helpful, so would an inspection on the car - i think new glasses is the way to go, dont you?

Troubling week

Borrowing my hubby's computer tonight....
i know no one has been waiting around - peeking in time to time in hopes i might come back - thats better anyway for now.  It will making writing easier if I know its mostly for myself ...
Im writing tonight cuz im loosing my grip - a bit.  a wee bit. 
Here's the thing....parenthood - how do you know?  how do you know youre getting it right?   I dont, i just know, for a while now, i havent liked how ive been as a mom.  So all the kids are washed, changed, fed - and by the time i fiinish i have to start all over again - and there is no time - NONE - no time for fun - for learning - for adventures.  Where is my energy for such things?  Where is patience???  Im not tired, exactly - someone said i looked spent - and who cares really?  Exept it makes everything else more difficult, and thats another thing, not only is it affecting how i interact with the kids, but im just falling apart - losing it, you know?  And i keep looking for something deep down in myself to get a grip, grab hold of the day and make it what i want it to be...but there is just confusion and nerves....
I tell myself, "come on, get back up."
There are things i just want to do better, there is more i want to be, more that i expect of myself - i need to rally. 
Come on, get back up.