Someday we'll find it, the rainbow connection, the lovers, the dreamers, and me"

Here's the thing...its good to be a dreamer. My new goal - to be happier where i am (as previously mentioned) BUT not giving up on my dreams. And i've got them - all be it small and plain...I have dreams and i'll never let them go. They involve my family seeing my kids grow...though they grow a little bit more each day - and this seems less and less likely - i refuse to accept the notion that my kids will grow up without their families. Of course, this is their reality and part of being happy is learning that some things wont change (and both sets of grandparents work so very hard to keep us close, even from a distance. So really, im v. lucky). My parents used to asked me to move closer to them...though they would never move closer to me at the expense of their happiness or comfort or well being. Im not upset with them - I get it. They LOVE where they live and couldn't imagine leaving it - especially for CO. It doesn't fit them. NC doesn't fit me, and truthfully Buffalo doesn't quite either. I am sad though that there is no middle ground.
So I'm here and they're there. and No one is coming this way and we're not going that way.............but............but...............
but i hold onto my dreams. And i always will. In my head - those dearest to me are just down the road. And we BBQ and shop for Christmas trees and go to the farmer's market and they stand up and clap at my kids graduations and there is someone there to hold my hand when im feeling alone and sad...
but then in my dreams the sun shines, i have friends that just drop by, my husband is home with me and the kids, and every weekend is an adventure.
It's good to have dreams - never stop dreaming.

"So forget the map, roll down the windows, and whenever you can pull over and have a picnic"

I think it's a beautiful thing - leaving behind all the baggage and looking for the simple things in life. The small triumphs, simple pleasures, and the joy to be found in such moments. If i can do that, then all the big crap wont matter so much. I guess its about appreciating not just what you have, but what you dont. Great things are out there to be accomplished and had - and im not saying not to try to be your best you. But maybe, there's a place to be found that leaves all the worry out of the when's and maybe's and if's...I've found things will happen in their time if you let them, and in the meantime - there is so much to revel in day to day.
This is not easily done - appreciating the space youre in - But i do believe it is possible. I remember a time when what i had was enough..."All i need is song in my heart, food in my belly and love in my family..." Family is a funny word...family can be the people you share each day with, it can be a true friend, or the people you love from afar - sometimes it was literally me, myself and I - It can be All those things really...i think i need to remember this most of all. Loneliness might be the shadow that walks in my footsteps, but i am never alone.
Anyway, I leave this bit of self reflection with a quote or two...

"Open up your plans and, Damn, you're free." J. Mraz

"Simple is Good"
"Please watch out for each other and love and forgive everybody.
It's a good life, enjoy it." J. Henson

Blarghy Bloggy

It's time to take a break from blogging every day about my diet/exercise. I've done it for a good month and it's been very helpful for most of it at keeping me aware of what and how I'm eating. However, it's gotten to the point where it feels like a job and is no longer providing that same impetus to keep going that it used to.

Instead, it's just kinda annoying, haha.

So for now, no more daily blogging. My eating habits have changed enough that I don't need to log every calorie in order to stay focused on the diet, and I can kick my own ass into exercising when I need to. I've come a long way, baby! ;)

I'll probably keep things updated here when I hit new weight lows. So, till then, adios!

~Katy (aka Dorkopotamus)

I've got nothing.

A few random things
I've been spring cleaning my house for about 2 weeks now (spring cleaning = scouring) and then, as i was walking down the stairs today, a HUGE cobweb dangling about a foot from the ceiling collided with my head.  I went bat (bleepin) crazy.

I know i say this a lot, but time is moving So very fast.  I was looking at pictures of my baby-doll today, who will be turning 6 in two months...6!!!  In those pictures he was between new and 15mos. old.  What a treasure and a joy he was - what a happy time in my life.  Littlest baby will be 2 in a month.  Holy crap - there is no making things slow down - there aren't enough pictures or videos (though thank Goodness for them - my memory is so scattered, i can live vicariously through my own pictures).

I am only one year away from being fat as many years as I've been thin...which mean I will go from being a person who is thin but sometimes heavy - to a heavy person who is occasionally thin.  Boo to this.  And though I've eaten brownies, ice cream, and hotdogs in the last three days, I seriously need to come up with a new plan.  (Also, hotdogs with sauerkraut, friend onions and mustard is my new fav.)

I planted seeds for my veggie and flower garden - and bought a few house plants (my first ever).  I have yet to kill any, though a few are already a bit peaked, i have to say i LOVE having houseplants.  It had never occurred to me to bring the garden i always wanted to me in pots. :)

One of the hardest parts about being a parent (and notice i say, one) is having to be responsible ALL THE TIME.  When you screw up, it not only screws you but your entire family as well.  That - sucks.

I'm nauseous, headachey, and have chest pains...see, I told you, I need a new plan.  

Debbie Downer? More like, Kicking-Ass Kim - or something less lame.

That's it.  I've been wallowing unknowingly in some sort of one-woman pity party for too long - and I'm done.  It started, I believe, sometime this fall when i had a month of poor health and my Gram died during the same time.  I thought I had a kind of woe is me moment - but i think it was just the beginning of my current mindset.  I've been uncomfortable in my own skin - feeling stuck in a rut, and instead of finding solutions, I focus on what i cant do/accomplish or achieve in my limited circumstance.  It's done - no more I cant do this because i don't have that.  From now on its looking at the small things i can do in light of what I do have.  Two hands and an able body can get you farther than you think.  And the bullshit of taking out my depressed mood on those around me stops today as well!  It is not my husband or my children's fault I haven't found ways to move forward (They are my support/motivation/inspiration - so what the F*ck is my deal/problem?)  So, my larger goals are on hold for a while - there are still small steps I can manage to improve my happiness (for some reason, I've recently linked my happiness to who/what I can become - midwife/nurse/doula/artist/writer/mother extraordinaire...)

So, I'm here on this good green earth and there is no more waiting for tomorrow - because life is happening now and I'm done watching it fly by me.

Getting Shit Done And Gearing Up For PAX East

I am in such a haze today.  Lack of sleep will do that to you.  However, it's such a gorgeous day out that I can't help but be in a good mood, regardless of how little sleep I got last night.  I have the sliding door that leads to the porch wide open - it's so great to get some fresh air in here.  Maybe I'll bring a blanket and go sit out on the porch with a book a little later.  That actually sounds kind of awesome.

It's been a busy day so far! 

• Trying to figure out the best health insurance for our buck (I needs my cray-cray pills!)
• Switching to a new cable provider and upgrading to HD (finally - we've had an HDTV for like a year and a half already) and saying hello to HV-DVR and goodbye to Tivo (awww, no more boop-boops)
• Getting the POS car in to the shop for repairs, inspection, oil change and whatnot...figuring out how to get it back while the hubby's at work (they were supposed to call me at 12:00pm - it's 2:00pm now!)

It may not seem like a lot, but all the waiting around and being unable to leave the house to do things is kinda driving me up the wall.  I have a few other errands I'd like to run, but I can't because I am still car-less.  Boo!

Ah, well.  At least tomorrow and this weekend will be super fun.  It's time for PAX East in Boston!  Woo!  From their FAQs, PAX East is:

...a three-day game festival for tabletop, videogame, and PC gamers.  We call it a festival because in addition to dedicated tournaments and freeplay areas we've got nerdcore concerts, panel discussions, and an exhibitor hall filled with booths displaying the latest from top game publishers and developers.  Even with all this amazing content the best part of PAX East is hanging out with other people who know their shit when it comes to games.

Awesomesauce.  Say it again with me.  Awe-some-sauce.

In addition to all the cool panels and games and swag, I am very excited to see the amazing Wil Wheaton (yes, that Wil Wheaton - Mr. Wesley Crusher of ST:TNG fame, among other things) deliver the keynote speech.  You may not know this, but he's actually an amazing writer with a great blog and a number of books under his belt, along with being a great speaker as well. 

I also can't wait for the nerdcore concerts!!  What is nerdcore??  I'm glad you asked!  From Wikipedia, nerdcore hip-hop is:

...is a sub-genre of hip hop music characterized by themes and subject matter considered to be of general interest to nerds, though it can appeal to others as well. Self-described nerdcore musician MC Frontalot coined the term in 2000 in the song "Nerdcore Hiphop". Frontalot, like most nerdcore artists, self-publishes his work and has released much of it for free online. As a niche genre, nerdcore generally holds to the DIY ethic, and has a history of self-publishing and self-production.[1]

Though nerdcore rappers rhyme about anything from politics to science fiction, there are some perennial favorites in nerdcore subject matter, including Star Wars, science, fantasy and computers.

Basically, it's some of the best shit ever.  Seriously.  If you are at all nerdy, and like hip-hop even a little bit, you will like it.  I mean, how can you not?  One of the most well known nerdcore rappers is MC Frontalot, who is incredibly talented.  His lyrics are incredibly clever, often funny, and always nerdy.  He has a really unique voice, and unique style to his rapping - he raps a bit slower in pace to many other rappers, and his flow is always changing along with the lyrics.

In fact, he has a very apropos song entitled "I Hate Your Blog".  Here are the lyrics.



Fantastic!  Tee hee.  Other awesome nerdcore rappers include MC Lars (one of the more popular nerdcore rappers), ytcracker (probably the best technical rapper of my favorites), and k.flay (an awesome chick rapper!).  I'll have to make another post one day that expands on these guys, because really, they're all so much fun to listen and rock out to that it would be crime not to get their music out there to more people.  Someone remind me to do this later.

In conclusion, huzzah for being a nerd and doing nerdy fun things!!

~Dorkopotamus (aka Katy)

Being a Grown-Up is Hard Work, and So is Getting into a Shape that isn't Rotund

I'm moody today.  Rawr rawr rawr.  The hubby and I spent most of this afternoon filling out an application for free health insurance through the state.  We had to do this because as of Monday, the hubby got fired from Old Job, and we consequently lost all benefits there.  Now, he does have New Job which is a Very Good Thing.  But until New Job gets up and running, we don't have steady money coming in.  Which is very stressful.  In the long run, all will be well, and New Job should afford us more money than Old Job ever did.  In the meantime, however, there is much suckage and things like applying for free health insurance while bickering the entire time.  Hence the rawr.  I hate stupid bickering.  It's not like we're mad at each other - it's just frustration and anxiety that we take out one another.  It's really dumb when you think about it, but kind of unavoidable no matter how awesome the relationship (and ours is pretty freaking awesome).

In other news, the potatoes were well-received last night.  So yayyy for that.  But I totally binged on all the yummy desserts.  Since I went away to visit the Kim, I've gained back about 2 pounds.  Boo on me!  I've totally been slacking on the diet and exercise since I got back.  New goal: gym it up this weekend at least twice, go food shopping, and stop eating crap.  I don't want to undo all hard work I've done thus far.  I mean, I'd gotten down 14 pounds since the beginning of the year - now only 12 - and that's pretty amazing.  I'm still on track for my "at least 3 pounds a month" goal, even with the weight gained back.  But I really, really want to stick with it this time so I look smoking hot for June (attending one of my closest friend's wedding) and July (vacation to San Diego and Hawaii).  I want to wear a bikini again and feel fabulous doing so.  In fact, I have already picked out said bikini:

Pretty hot, right?  Although, I gotta say that this model doesn't really have enough curves to do the bikini justice.  Me?  Just call me Curves O'Plenty.

Since this bikini is hella expensive, I am using it as a reward for meeting my weight-loss goals for June/July.  Also, for my birthday, my snarky friend whom I shall now refer to as DB (yes, that stands for Douche Bag, and yes it is appropriate), gave me a gift certificate to put towards the bikini.  Nice, right?  Well, to properly demonstrate his DB nature, I will now transcribe the accompanying card:

To:  Fat Katy

Message:  See you soon!

From:  Skinny Katy

Amazing, right?  I nearly collapsed with laughter when I read it.  And you know what?  It's kinda true.  Fat Katy's days are numbered.*

*Disclaimer:  I know I'm not a blimpazoid.  I just want to be healthier, look better in (and out of) clothes, and be generally more fit.  I'm only fat as compared to an ideal version of myself.  Trust me, I ballooned up to 190 pounds once, and on my frame, that was definitely fat.  At 158 right now, I'm just fat as compared to where I want to be.  The end.

~Dorkopotamus (aka Katy)