Aaaand Now I'm Manic and Dreaming Dreams

Well, maybe not full-blown manic, but manic enough.

It started yesterday, but was mild enough that I was like, well, maybe I'm just finally coming out of this depression and feeling better.  Wouldn't that be lovely!  And on such a beautiful day!  But the foot-tapping, leg-shaking, and doing a million tasks super quickly, were definite red alerts to the hubby and I that I might be swinging a little further up than I'd like.

Today, after a good night's sleep, I'm all:

1.  WHEE, I'M UP EARLY PLAY WITH ME
2.  WHY AREN'T WE DOING SOMETHING THIS VERY MINUTE...
3.  ...AND EVERY MINUTE THEREAFTER
4.  ENTERTAIN ME RIGHT NOW
5.  OOH LOOK SOMETHING SHINY I MUST PURCHASE IT IMMEDIATELY
6.  FIDGET FIDGET FIDGET
7.  I'M BORED YET CAN'T SIT STILL OR PAY ATTENTION LONG ENOUGH TO ENJOY ANYTHING
8.  I'M IMPATIENT WHY AREN'T YOU KEEPING UP WITH ME

Good times.  Well, if it stays at this level I can deal as long as it doesn't last longer than a few days.  At least I'm feeling perky and upbeat.  But man, can NOT sit still, and REALLY want to buy myself presents.  MUST.  RESIST.  THE.  SHINY.

During my restful sleep last night, I dreamt last night that my consciousness went back to high school and usurped my old body.  I was back in some kind of high school play, but couldn't remember any of the steps.  But I really didn't care, because I was only a bit part, and was super excited to be back in high school.  I honestly couldn't wait to do it all over again only knowing what I know now.  I've had this dream before, and I really dig it.  The idea of having so much control over my own destiny is exhilarating.  I knew who I wanted to be friends with, who I wanted to date, and how to get through it all without cracking.  I was excited to not only make positive changes in my own life, but also to help facilitate them in the lives of people I care about.  It was awesomesauce.

But then, I'm one of those people who loves the idea of traveling back in time to one's old self only knowing everything one knows now.  I think that's why I just rented 17 Again.  Yeah, it's a fluffy flick, and stars Zac Efron, but I think I'm gonna enjoy it.

~Dorkopotamus (aka Katy)

Staring into Space and the Oscars

I've found myself prone to staring off into space for hours lately.  This, along with my rapidly crashing mood, does not bode well.  Ahh, the joys of being bipolar.  I am exhausted all the time with no motivation to do simple things like shower, check the mail, etc.  Fun times.  I am pushing through it and forcing myself to get things accomplished, but man, is it hard (that's what she said).  Here's hoping my efforts, in combination with my meds, will lead to a relatively short down-period.

Last night was good times - DB came over and the three of us watched the Oscars.  We were catty and commented on all the dresses, and speeches, and whatnot.

Best Dress: Anna Kendrick (aka Kim's celebrity lookalike)

She just looked stunning.  I love the color against her skin tone, and the flowy fabric.  Such an elegant dress, especially compared to the poofy prom dresses that most of the other celebrities were sporting.

Worst Dress: Charlize Theron

She has vagina flowers ala Georgia O'Keeffe on her breasts.  'Nuff said.

Best Speech: Tie between Jeff Bridges, simply because he embodies The Dude whenever he speaks, and Sandra Bullock, whose speech was very sweet, funny, charming, and endearing.  But then, I've always liked Sandra Bullock despite her questionable movie choices.  She was my hero in Speed.

Worst Speech: Another tie.  First, the ungracious Sandy Powell who won for Best Costume Design whose speech would have been decent if she hadn't started with "Wow, well.  I already have two of these, so I'm feeling greedy" and ended with "So this is for you, but I'm gonna take it home tonight."  She meant well with her dedication to underappreciated designers, but she was just a little too full of herself.  

Then there was the weird Kanye-esque moment during the acceptance of the Best Documentary Short award by Roger Ross Williams and Elinor Burkett  (here's the story behind it if you're curious).  I don't think anyone actually listened to what Elinor Burkett had to say because they were too busy making Kanye jokes.

And hey, did anyone else notice George Clooney's I-have-a-large-stick-up-my-ass faces throughout the night?  The camera loved him, but its love went unrequited.

~Dorkopotamus (aka Katy)

Disability

Being bipolar is fun.  And by fun, I mean not at all fun.  In fact, by not at all fun, I mean downright frustrating/terrible/annoying as hell.  You see where I'm going with this?

So in August, after having to quit what is arguably the best job I've ever had, I applied for disability due to my aforementioned non-fun bipolarness (not a word).  It's been a cycle throughout my life to get something like an awesome job, or do well in a great school, and then crash and burn in a most spectacular fashion by being cray-cray to the max.  Super fun times.  So, like I said, I decided to apply for disability so that I at least will have some income coming in since I apparently can't hold a grownup job like a "normal" person.

That's the short version.

Today, I had a meeting with a disability-appointed psychiatrist to evaluate my condition.  I honestly don't think it went very well, and I am kind of wrecked about this fact.  He kept telling me how "well-spoken and put-together I seem."  Well la-dee-freaking-da.  Just because I can hold a conversation and not come across as a moron, that means I am able to hold a job??  I don't freaking think so!  Just because I can get straight A's easily, or interview really well, does not mean I can do these things for any real length of time.  I've come to understand my limitations, I really have.  I don't like them, but I understand them.  And I fully intend to try to get some kind of low-stress, easy as hell, part time job At Some Point.  But I have this sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach that this psychiatrist assumes that because I am not a moron, I am perfectly fine and capable.  Bah.  If only it were that easy.

~Dorkopotamus (aka Katy)