Full to Bursting

I feel like I'm about to explode!  I've got so many emotions jumbled up and rumbling around inside that I just know it means something wonderful is changing within me.

Every negative day has a positive outcome, something I learn or take away from it.

And, more importantly, I am having fantastic days!  Day in which I feel good - like myself again.  Confident, clever, pretty, and full of win.  I am no longer second-guessing myself every minute of every day.  I'm worrying less, and laughing more.  I'm listening to music and bopping.  My smiles are becoming contagious.

And I know that whatever happens, however things turn out, I am a worthwhile person.

~Dorkopotamus (aka Katy)

Untitled

Like grasping at water, I could not close
My fists tight enough amidst the onslaught
To compress a reflection. Here, I froze,
Trapped within the very confines I sought.

Every pinprick was a bell toll sounding
The minute come hour coming undone.
I crumpled, over nothing, surrounding
Myself with echoes of my frustration.

What is come undone resolves and unblurs
The carousel - each animal now free
To wander. But freedom can be a curse;
More walls cultivate the sanctuary.

Therein lies the calm, but too calms the lies.
Muffled by echoes, I’m deaf to my cries.

~Dorkopotamus (aka Katy)

Learninating the Peasants

So for the past month I've done a lot of thinking, educating, learning, and self-affirming.  And I feel like I'm at once becoming a whole new person, and rediscovering a person inside that I'd forgotten all about.

Yeah, it's kinda confusing.

But awesome.  And I've got wonderful support all around me that's helping me through it.

I know the outcome of all this change will be good, and that's really exciting.

I'm beginning to realize that I'm actually pretty darn amazing. 

Why didn't I allow myself to know this sooner?

~Dorkopotamus (aka Katy)

Indigestion of the Soul

I has it.

~Dorkopotamus (aka Katy)

Jack Handey Would Be Proud

I think I'm having an existential crisis.  Interesting.

~Dorkopotamus (aka Katy)

Ch-ch-ch-changes

So it seems I spoke too soon - not quite out of the woods of depression yet.  But I'm working on it.

In somewhat related news, the depression, combined with some good talks with friends, has sparked a contemplative fire within me.  I can't stop thinking about Big Things and the Big Picture.  There are changes I'd like to make, but changes are scary and require effort and work to affect.  I'm not always so great at getting over my anxiety and lack of motivation to cause said changes, but I feel like it's time once again to move forward.  I know I'm being vague, but I'm not quite ready to commit to these changes, or admit to them for that matter.  Some of them are deeply personal.  While others, like reboarding the diet and exercise wagon, are more surface matter.

Last year was all about accepting who I am, this is the year that's supposed to be about moving forward.  It's already May and I feel like I've let myself down a bit.  But the year isn't over yet.  I don't want to put too much pressure on myself, but I'm tired of saying "I wish I was more this" and/or "I want to be more like that."  I can't change everything in my life, but there are certain things I definitely can if only I can stretch my boundaries just a little bit more.  One of my best friends told me how much better I am now as opposed to this time last year - I want him to be able to say the same thing about me next year.  Even better, I'd like him to be able to say it about me next week.

I want to be the person I want to become.

~Dorkopotamus (aka Katy)

Oh...um...hi!

Yeah so it's been forever since I posted.  That's what happens when you get depressed for a month or so and are all hanging out in a pit of despair and wallowing in your issues and refusing to come out and say hello because dammit you're comfortable in your sad little pit.

That being said, in an effort to start writing again now that I've emerged triumphant from this latest bout of "woe is me," I am reintroducing myself to the blog.

Hello blog, I'm Katy.  Nice to meetcha.  Well, re-meetcha.  Long time no see.

~Dorkopotamus (aka Katy)